I am a cross-dresser. I also happen to need answers. Everything I've studied so far fails to provide an adequate description of my own experiences in life. Until I came across this:
I am a normal, healthy, heterosexual male. I love women. I love everything about women. I can't remember a time in my life when I didn't think girls were just wonderful. In my earliest memories about gender I remember thinking that girls had it better in life than boys. Girls seemed to be admired more than boys. Everyone spoke about how pretty they were, and how nice they were, etc. If I tried to play with some of their stuff, or was attracted to feminine colors, or anything shiny, I was always told, "you can't do that", or "that's for girls". The message was clear, I didn't matter as much as girls. I even tried to use some clothes or fabrics to pretend I was a girl, of course you could imagine the reaction that caused. Why do I bring this up? During this impressionable period of my early life, my brain became hard-wired for the next stage.
The next stage was puberty. My brain was releasing hormones and I was becoming aware of sexual stimulation. I still over-valued anything feminine, but I was happy being a boy. I never was confused about my gender. Then without thinking about any life-long repercussions I tried on some of my mother's clothes. My mother saved some special occasion dresses for sentimental reasons - an old prom dress from high school, a bridesmaid dress, etc. There was one beautiful red velvet dress with satin and jewels. I tried it on and I felt a sudden rush of excitement, stimulation and gratification. It was like I was experiencing a drug rush. I wondered, "what is going on?"
What was going on was my brain was interpreting the experience as if I was in actual contact with a female. My brain was releasing dopamine and other neurotransmitters which was producing sensations of well-being, pleasure, sexual gratification, and self-identity (bonding). It was affecting the reward centers of my brain, instant gratification, and thus it mimiced the addiction response.
Addiction response? Yes, I was hooked from that moment on. Everyday I felt an urge to cross-dress. In fact, it because a substitute for developing social contacts with females. My social skills suffered because I just wanted to be alone and nurse my fetish. It was a secret. It made me confused. It made me feel guilt and shame. So I keep it limited and private, very private. Everything I cross-dressed I put it all back exactly as I found it. No one ever suspected anything.
After a few years I felt a need to cross-dress more often and more completely. I felt a need to appear more feminine. Doing the same limited cross-dressing did not give me the same thrills. It was still stimulating and I was still getting a strong errection, but it wasn't the same sensations. I was craving more.
What was going is brain fatigue. When you do the same thing, over and over and over, your brain fatigues and releases less neurotansmitters. I was actually craving higher levels of neurotransmitters. I didn't realize it but the whole fetish was just about the levels of neurotransmitters. I really didn't love to cross-dress. I loved the sensations from the neurotransmitters and I was just using cross-dressing as the tool to get my brain to release more neurotransmitters.
I also recognized that most cross-dressers are normal, healthy, heterosexual men with a simple fetish. They want a girlfriend and they want to get married someday. So they learn how to limit their cross-dressing and keep it private. That seemed to be the key to living a normal, productive life. That was what I wanted too. I had to set my own limits and learn to be satisfied with that.
I also recognized that some cross-dressers do not limit their cross-dressing, but they continue to go further and further and further with their cross-dressing. This begins as a simple urge to have higher levels of neurotransmitters, but it eventually becomes a question of self-identity. They develop a female alter-ego, and believe they have two genders inside themselves: a male side and a female side. These two sides seem to be in a battle. Their female side provides them with pleasure and self gratification, so it becomes the favored side. They seek ways of enhancing their female side, and speak about "her" needs. I believe this is when a simple fetish becomes autogynephilia.
From a psychological perspective there is little problem with a cross-dresser who is able to limit his cross-dressing and keep it private. He can live a normal, married life, and raise his children without serious complications. However, when it progresses to the point where the man is in love with his female alter-ego, and "she" becomes his first love, then there are complications.
Hello, interesting blog post, as well as your other blog that I read as well. I'd like to invite you to take a look at my site as well as the sites of a handful of other guys that I regularly communicate with. This group of guys including myself are exploring these same issues with crossdressing and trying to figure ourselves out and why we desire what we desire. (Most of us in this group are also trying to give up crossdressing in our lives). You may find some of our thoughts interesting and we enjoy dialogue partners and you have good stuff to say. On my page other good blogs are under the "fellow fighters" links.
ReplyDeleteI don't think I over-valued females in my youth, but the dopamine release from wearing women's clothing is very real. On other websites, some people theorize that this is what causes *women* to dress up as women, too, because they are getting a dopamine charge from doing it. And of course, if the woman attracts a male and has sex with him, then the feeling (for the woman) will disappear, too, just like it does after release for an AG male. So I consider myself to have an active brain center that only women have, normally.
ReplyDeleteIt is most active when my brain is not in a good state. When I have just found a new girlfriend, the thoughts completely disappear for 3-6 months at least.
I find that cross-dressing urges are far stronger when I am alone, than when I have many friends who I see often (daily). The feelings come first, from lonelinness. If I take care to see friends often and "treat my brain right", then the feelings are not there.
Once in my life, after being laid off and rehired, I was under a lot of stress and had a "obsessive mental event" and found myself feeling like I had to compete with all the other females at my new workplace. My wife had also just became pregnant, too, which was stressful, but I was not worried about losing my job, on a conscious level.
As a result of my "obsessive mental event", I obsessively spent time analyzing what all the other women at work were wearing, every day, grading which women were dressed in the most femine way, etc., who was the most beautiful, etc. Women carefully analyze the dress of other women every single day, and occasionally can say horrifying and derisive things to each other if they feel threatened or unhappy with another person. During this time, maturbatory release was not working for me, the feelings would disappear only for minutes at a time. I was freaking out! Luckily, 8 weeks of treatment with Paxil caused this obsession (and a depression) to disappear, eventually.
Anyway, if you are taking care of your mental state, and spending time with friends, these urges should not rule your life.
On average, women are more insecure than men, and have lower self esteem than men. I find that when my life conspires to put me in an insecure position, or when my self-esteem/happiness is drastically lowered, my brain is more likely to react with a feminine urges. The solution is, don't get into those situations.